Tacobella and Edward the stoner
by BritishZombie
Summary: What if there were no vampireism? Just a taco/human hybrid and her stoner boyfriend? Can he resist the munchies or will he eat her? Obvious crack!fic
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Okay so after a bit of writers block this idea came to me. I have been hesitating posting it but here we are! I'd appreciate reviews, good one though and not just flaming (you know the difference). Feel free to point out spelling/grammar mistakes. English ain't my first language. Other than that, enjoy the story!

* * *

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did Bella would be more of a person and less of a wall._

It was going to be difficult for Bella on her first day in a new school. She was nervous about how she would fit in, and if the others would tease her about her clumsiness. And just not because of her clumsiness. No, it wasn't easy to be TacoBella Swan. Nor was it easy to be a taco-human hybrid, which is exactly what she was.

Her mother was from a Tacobell in where she and her father met. How she was conceived is still today a great mystery. I felt that it wasn't something I wanted to divulge deeper in.

She had lived with her mother in that Tacobell restaurant where her parents had met. But soon she was told to go live with her father. Her mother didn't think Tacobell was safe place to raise a child in. Especially not if said child was a giant taco. So Bella was of to live with her father in a small town that wasn't even on the map. Her mother must've assumed that people didn't eat tacos there-

And thus her first day of school began (and coincidentally the story). As if being a giant taco and being the worlds most clumpiest person, TacoBella also had to dealt with getting a huge truck to drive to school. Her father had given it to her, prompting that she'd get a car big enough not to make her tacoshell crack. Her shell was far to big to get into any kind of sportscar. So he gave her the biggest and ugliest truck there was to be found. It was so ugly it made the neighborhood babies cry. But one can't be sure, as the kids might as well have been really hungry, and seeing a big taco going by the window would make anyone sad.

The way to school took a long time because the truck was just as slow, as it was big and ugly. After an hour or two TacoBella could finally pull into the school's parking lot. But to her horror she saw that there was one crammed parking space between a van and a truck. She immediately saw that she would never fit in there. After contemplating for half an hour she decided to leave the truck standing in the middle of the parking lot, hoping the other students wouldn't be too angry with her.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm back with another chapter, this time a bit longer. Let's see how long I'll take this story.

* * *

_disclaimer: I don't own twilight_

Going through the hallways had always been hard for TacoBella Swan and this day was not an exception. The hallways were crowded with students and everywhere she went she brought chaos. Her tacoshell was so wide it took up the space of three people and she constantly slammed people into the lockers. She also managed to bump into a jock who threatened to drown her in salsa and eat her. As she wasn't used to jocks being so mean she walked in a brisker pace which only made her slam more people into their lockers.  
After what seemed like forever she reached the reception to collect her schedule. The whole procedure took a while as she needed to walk through the doors sideways.

"Hi there, I'm TacoBella Swan. I'm here for my schedule."

Tacobella stood expectantly watching the old, greyhaired woman in the reception who was busy staring at her with a gaping mouth.

"I'm so, so sorry, what did you say now again?" The lady had been far to amazed by the concept of a talking, walking taco to care about her sorroundings.

"My class schedule please."

"Ah yes of course. Here you go sweetie."

As soon as she was given the schedule she hurried to her class, she had seen the amazement in the woman's eyes turn into hunger, something which scared her to no end.

After the first five classes she realized that the school wasn't all that bad, save for the staring. During lunch she sat down with a few of her classmates who were vegetarians and didn't seem to want to eat her, something TacoBella valued in her friends. This explained why she had none.

As they were in the middle of a conversation a new group of people entered the cafeteria. TacoBella looked past her friends and saw five people walk in a row, two boys and two girls. The four first looked almost like twin couples, two of them with blonde hair and the other two with black hair. They had great physique, looked neat and clean, and wore clothes coming straightly from Abercrombie and Fitch. They were all pale too, even paler than the others in the cafeteria.

But it was the last person in the group that fascinated TacoBella. He looked nothing like the others. He wore a pair of blue, baggy jeans, accompanied by a large red hoodie. While the skin of his friend's had a pale glow, his skin looked sickly pale. He had shadow beneath his eyes and a little bit of stubble on his chin.

"Who are they", TacoBella asked as she turned to her friends

"That's the Cullens. They are the adoptive children of Dr. Cullen. Four of them are dating each other, which is kinda weird, even though they aren't related. I mean, they live together. Doesn't that count like ´mental incest or something.", Angela answered.

"What about him? The guy in the baggy clothing with the bloodshot eyes."

"That's Edward Cullen. He is so hot! But he isn't friends with anyone. And he dresses like a hobo. He even smells like one. I wish he'd give me a chance though. I think we'd be great together.

With a little dramatic sigh, Angela went back to studying the food on her plate which consisted solely off asparagus, cucumbers and spinach, deeply wishing she hadn't made friends with this new taco-human. Then she could've gotten hamburgers without feeling bad.

TacoBella did no such thing. She looked back at Edward who instantly caught her eye. She was almost intimidated by the way he looked at her. He stared as if she was a delicious meal and he was a starving man. His bloodshot eyes did nothing but add to the intimidation. She looked away and instantly wished herself far from there. The fear stuck to her all the way to gym class. Eventually she realized she shouldn't have to be afraid for him. She had the same right as any human/taco hybrid. This mood stayed with her for the whole day and the day after that. On the third day the mood still hadn't faltered and she was heading to her biology class, being too late already as she had been experiencing trouble parking again. She braced herself before opening the door.

"Excuse me Mr. Anderson. I had trouble parking."

"Yeah, yeah whatever. Go take a seat.

Looking around TacoBella realized that the only seat available was the one next to Edward Cullen. He was having that hungry look on his face once again, but this time, even more intense. Slowly she approached him and sat down next to him. He sat with his fists clenched and TacoBella noticed he was breathing with an open mouth. She also thought she saw some drool go down his chin but she wasn't sure. Feeling exposed and scared, she walked to her seat and sat on the very edge, ready to sprint in case he jumped her. But nothing happened. He stayed firmly in his seat for the rest of his class, glancing at her every other minute. When the bell rang he jumped off his seat and almost ran out of the classroom. TacoBella remained in her seat, puzzled. What could she possibly have done to make him run out the room like that? This thought bothered her all day. She didn't even pay attention in gym class which ended with a broken nose from a basket ball. (Yes she has a nose. Even tacos need a breather once in a while.)

Finally her day ended and she went home in her big, ugly truck and stayed at home for the he rest of the day, sulking and rolling around in angst, wondering why this really beautiful but strange boy had looked at her like that. Eventually at 1 am after whining on facebook for a couple of hours she became angry. She had the right to be a taco/human hybrid without getting those kind of looks! She slammed her laptop shut and went to bed, fuming with anger. Tomorrow she would go up to this "Edward" and give him a piece of her mind. With angry determination she fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N: **Reviews are appreciated, but not flames.

Btw would any of my readers be interested in me doing a ASoIaF/LoTR crossover crack!fic? Just throwing that out there.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: I'M BACK! Here, enjoy another chapter of Tacohybrids and Creeps!

* * *

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. There would be more tacos if I did_

The next day in school she looked around but didn't see him anywhere. She wondered where he had gone but didn't ask so she wouldn't seem desperate. For a couple of days it was all the same. he didn't turn up and she lost her anger bit by bit.

Not until her second week she finally saw him again, this time in biology. She sat down next to him and noticed that this time he was wearing proper clothing like his siblings had worn. He didn't have bloodshot eyes or shadows beneath them and she noticed their colour was a wonderful shade of beige.

"Hi", he said awkwardly as they sat down. "I'm Edward."

"I know. I'm TacoBella."

"TacoBella", he said as if he was tasting her name.

"Because I'm half taco from a Tacobell. My parents thought it was clever."

"You're half taco?"

"Isn't that kinda obvious?"

"Well, yes, but your parents. Are they tacos or something?"

"My mother is a taco. She's from Mexico."

"Oh. So how did she and your dad...you know."

"I don't know. I haven't asked."

"Oh. No, I guess not."

And so awkward silence was created and instead of doing something like say, listen to the teacher who was explaining the things that were coming up on their next test, they remained seated avoiding each others gazes. They were soon handed out assignments and the silence was broken as they began to work.

TacoBella noticed that he seemed extremely fresh unlike last time in the cafeteria. Maybe he had taken some days of meditating. Her mother had spoken of such things and how lovely they were. Unfortunately they had gotten her mother fired more than once.

As TacoBella didn't share anymore classes with Edward that day she moaned and bitched through the rest of her day, being dreadful thinking about how she wouldn't see him again for another couple of hours. The previous anger had washed over her as soon as he spoke to her.

Eventually her friends got tired of her and said that Edward wasn't "all that". Of course that didn't help her mood at all so she came home being in a worse mood than ever. Her father didn't care much for her stomping and moaning and turned up the volume of the TV to drown out his daughter. Truthfully he thought that was better than having to listen to her. He was always reminded of her mother, something which pained him to no end.

The following night Bella woke up in the middle of the night for unknown reasons. At first she thought it was her shell that cracked and was about to call out for her father when she saw someone standing in the far corner of her room. The figure moved closer and she knew she had seen him before. Gasping, she tried finding her bedside lamp but was interrupted by footsteps. They belonged to her father who was stumbling up the stairs towards her room.

Suddenly the figure dashed for the window. Bella rushed up just as quickly and saw him land in Charlie's flowers and disappear into the darkness of the night. The second after Charlie entered the room and walked up to Bella to ask why she was up, when he looked out the window too.

"My flowers!" Charlie howled. He sank to his knees and ripped his hair when he saw the shattered remains of the flowers he had cared for during the past three years. Bella gave him a pet on the shoulder and returned to her bed. She tried remembering who the guy was. He was someone she had met before, but who? Eventually Bella fell asleep to the sound of her father's howling screams.

* * *

A/N: You know the drill, favourite and review and stuff.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Ey whatever, have another chapter! It's on the author!

* * *

The following week she didn't see Edward at all, much to her disappointment. During biology she had to sit next to Rick, the popular jock with eyes only for Bella. She didn't like him very much and found him annoying. But she liked having the most popular guy in school wrapped around her finger, so she kept leading him on. This included being forced to sit with him during classes. It wasn't very enjoyable but she could deal with it. Turning around she saw the jealous looks of the other girls in class. It made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Just to elicit more anger and jealousy she leaned into Rick, listening intently on what he had to say, which was something about a new abortion bill he opposed.

-" Lame", Bella thought, being the arse she is. " Edward would never try and discuss women's rights with me. He's too manly to do such ludacris things."

She was eventually saved by the bell, as the teacher decided that it was no idea trying to have a class when everyone was so off focus.

At the end of the day when Bella was walking to her truck she suddenly saw Edward nagging his brother.

"Come on Jasper, just one quick stop. Please!"

"A no is a no Edward. That food doesn't need you and you certainly don't need that food."

"But what about..."

"No! Now get in the car, father is expecting us any minute."

Before stepping into the car, Edward looked back at Bella with such an intensity she gasped in shock. He looked at her like she was some piece of meat and he was a starving animal. But the moment only lasted for a second. He jumped into the vehicle and when Bella attempted to take another look, the car was already driving away.

She knew what she had seen. That intense, hungry look in his eyes. It gave her a sinking sensation in her stomach. She tried piling up her thoughts on the way home, but failed.

Getting home in the evening she started answering the e-mails from her mother who had piled up during the past week. She had thought about Edward so much she had totally neglected her mother.

The last e-mail said that if she got no respond she'd call the police to make sure Charlie hadn't eaten her. It had been dated to the day before.

After dragging herself through answering all the e-mails she got onto youtube and watched a bunch youtubers eating cinnamon. She continued to click links when she stumbled upon a video where she saw a guy having the same shabby, bloodshot look Edward sometimes possessed, though nowhere near as handsome. He talked about how he got the munchies and was out of weed. Bella, being the sheltered hybirdhuman she is, got confused on how drug use had anything with munchies to do. She was confused and turned to google for help. All of the results proved the same thing. The use of Marijuana made the smoker get the munchies.. She continued reading links when it hit her.

"_A no is a no Edward. That food doesn't need you and you certainly don't need that food."_

_He stared as if she was a delicious meal and he was a starving man_

_As if she was a delicious meal and he was a starving man._

_..delicious meal...starving man..._

"No", she thought. " It can not be." But it was. Edward was a stoner with the munchies and she was his highest desire.

Her mind returned to the night when she had seen a man in her room. It had been Edward. She knew know. But what was he doing there? Had he come to watch her? Or maybe even to eat her? Either way TacoBella felt scared. What if he wanted to eat her? What if he was waiting for her to go to sleep so he could crush her shell and eat her intestines.  
She immediately ran down the stairs and took out the nearest bag of snacks from the kitchen. It made her feel much safer if she had something to give him should he come back.

TacoBella immediately shut her window tight, making sure to lock it as well. She wouldn't want any surprise visitors. Even if she was prepared for another visit, she wasn't sure if he'd choose Doritos over her.

She went to sleep, bag of Doritos in hand. Despite her fear she soon became tired and fell asleep, the bag of Doritos tucked neatly in her arms. She didn't notice she almost crushed them while dreaming it was Edward. Neither did she notice that outside her window Edward sat, pressing his face against the window and clawing at it, longing for TacoBella and for the Doritos in her arms. It wasn't until dawn that he left, feeling unsatisfied and angry. While he walked home in a bitter mood, TacoBella woke up to singing birds and sunshine, feeling refreshed and happy. To her it felt like the start of something new.

* * *

**A/N: **Read, review, point out spelling mistakes and don't flame. Kthxbye!


End file.
